Plans Change

I don’t know what your experiences are with plans, but my plans change frequently. Frustratingly frequently. During most of my time in college, I planned to graduate, begin a Master’s program, and proceed to get my PhD in English or a related field, preferably at a university abroad. Then I would spend my career teaching college, leading students on summer trips, reading, and writing. I thought academia was my world, my calling. 

Then plans changed. 

I burned out on the whole concept of academia and reading and writing. My dreams of a career in academia fell by the wayside, and it felt as if my world had fallen apart.

This is where Interyear enters the story. I planned to rest, form a community, shape my spirituality, and apply to a graduate program for the fall semester of 2024. I participated fully in the Fellowship and was able to meet my goals - except for that future-forming last step: apply to graduate school. Initially, I felt disappointed. I just couldn’t seem to stick to a plan. What and who was I becoming if I wasn’t following my goals? 

Through discernment as an Interyear Fellow, however, I learned to love the process itself. While goals are important, small, daily changes reveal more about my whole self than aiming for a grand achievement. During my year as a Fellow, I learned who I am, what I value, and what I want to contribute to the world. Yes, the plans changed. Rather than simply being a symptom of indecision or flighty behavior, my change of plans revealed a search for deeper purpose. Why stick to an original plan when it doesn’t align with my true self?

At Interyear, we discuss this concept of the “true self” through the lens of author Parker Palmer. The term could be described as the “soul,” the part of every being that functions “to give us life and get us to pass it along” (A Hidden Wholeness, page 36). Palmer also describes the intense dissonance that we often experience when our true self does not align with our lived reality. We often become despondent, anxious, and “not ourselves.” On the other hand, “when we are rooted in true self, we can act in ways that are life-giving for us and all whose lives we touch” (A Hidden Wholeness, page 39). Following the right path makes an immense difference not just for us as individuals but for everyone around us. Through being a Fellow, I realized that I am allowed to change my plans as I become more attuned to my true self. 

Even still, every time my plans change I feel disappointed. I mourn a certain future I had imagined for myself. The more times my plans have changed, the more I have realized that this is okay. Mourning changed plans is a very human experience, as is the constant changing of plans.

As frustrating and difficult as changing plans can be, I’ve started to wonder if, in many cases, it is a positive sign that I am changing too. My decision to delay graduate school has allowed me to become deeply ingrained in a community that loves me, shapes me, and challenges me. Similarly, my current decision to pursue theological studies rather than literature has highlighted the importance of faith in my life. I’m not static, so my plans shouldn’t be either. We grow together.

While I have learned to value my changing plans, I fully recognize that not everyone has this luxury. Sometimes when plans change, it is because we are at the brink. Changes of plans can be utterly devastating. When my plans changed senior year of college, I was devastated. I didn’t know what would come next, and I felt lost. You probably have your own examples of devastating change. And yet, I found a little nest at Interyear. I was welcomed despite–maybe because of–that gray space of change in which I found myself. I was welcomed to explore my true self and figure out where I belong and who I am becoming.

 If your plans change, Interyear is here. We understand change. In fact, we welcome it. We are all on this journey together, trying to find our true selves and live into the “hidden wholeness” in our lives. So join us. Let’s change together.

Interested in applying to be a Fellow? You can find the application here.